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andthatstheword2008-09-16 03:31 pm
erinptah) wrote in andthatstheword2008-09-16 03:31 pm
Entry tags:
"Fan" Fiction, 2/5: Trouble On Skateboard Mountain
Initially, Colbert Nation featured three parody fics. Two more were added later. This is one of the later additions.
I still have a lingering suspicion that the later fics were produced as some kind of weird sponsorship deal. This one is basically RPF about Bam Margera, with a whole lot of cringe-worthy skateboarding jargon and not a lot of funny.
Worst of all, Stephen only gets a couple of token mentions. The end of this part foreshadows some kind of Epic Skateboarding Showdown between Stephen and Mr. Margera; but, like "The Time Machine," it will never actually be continued.
Given this beginning, would you have wanted to keep reading? Or does the rating say it all?
Trouble On Skateboard Mountain:
Part 1: "Who's Afraid of the Big Bam Wolf (Margera)?"
By: Roger Rossier
Rating: A (arduous)
It was a totally sweet day on Skateboard Mountain. Everybody was landing tricks on their decks, and nobody was snitching. The wind in the air was crisp, such that when you caught some serious air doing even a beginner-level trick such as a Pop Shove-It, you could totally tell you were 1000 feet above sea level on Skateboard Mountain, and that there was totally a skateboard under your feet. It was fall, mountainous air—the kind that's cold enough to wear your Alien Workshop snowboarders hat, but warm enough to wear your Toy Machine shorts with the extra pockets.
"Hang ten!"
"Sweet!"
"I just ollied!"
These were all things you could hear on Skateboard Mountain that day. Earlier that morning, Stephen Colbert, King of Skateboard Mountain, had left on a promo tour for his new video game, Colboard Nation, an RPG thriller/mystery where players work together online raising funds to build replica Skateboard Mountains in their hometowns.
While watching Stephen Colbert fly away in a plane that was surely powered by the force of his skateboarding within, I landed a 50-50 grind on a perfectly waxed curb, followed by a disco flip, which I turned into a smith grind. You could hear the grinding from the metal of my Independent trucks sliding on a metal pipe that we members of Skateboard Mountain had bought with our own money from Home Depot. My SST bearings, which I made sure to grease prior to the grind, squeaked only to let me know they were still there. Today, before Stephen returned from his tour, I promised to myself, I would learn how to a 360 Heelflip, also known as the Lazer Flip.
I was in the middle of nollieing over a BMX bicycle when all the sudden somebody kicked my skateboard out from under my feet, and I fell right on my feet as opposed to landing on the tar-like griptape of my Hookups deck. When I looked back I couldn't believe my eyes: It was evil skateboarding sellout Bam Margera—THE BIG BAM WOLF! He had come to destroy Skateboard Mountain like he always does!
"I have come to destroy Skateboard Mountain like I always do!" shouted Bam Margera. His dull eyes had trouble focusing on one particular object at a time, which may have contributed to his decision to destroy the the scene as we all knew it. "I mean serious business!"
Bam Margera did not waste time proving his point. Like magic, a skateboard appeared in his hands. He jumped on, did an acid drop into a Salabanzi Flip, jumped over five trash cans in a row, smoked eight cigarettes in the middle of a triple ollie north, then landed with a cannonball grab while drinking a forty-ounce bottle of beer. He came back to me riding on one wheel.
"Smell me!" he said. His breath smelled very badly. "I dare you to smell me! I've started doing deodorant commercials!" I smelled his body, looking for clues for weak spots—any chinks in his armor. But there were none: It was as if he didn't even perspire.
"Strong enough for a Bam—Ph balanced for Margera!" Bam explained. Ari "The Terminator" Hock laughed loudly. He thought Bam was being funny. "It's not funny!" shouted Bam. He pronounced his "s" with a slight lisp, as if his tongue was doing a 360 Pop Shove-It over his incisor teeth. Suddenly we were all very scared.
"That's it! I'm sick of this!" screamed Bam. "I'm shutting down Skateboard Mountain! Everybody get back in your SUVs! This is my mountain now!"
"But you can't do that!" protested the crowd of skateboarders, including Rodney Mullen, inventor of the Flatland Ollie. Many of us at this point had taken off our helmets as a protest. The symbolic gesture would be clear to Bam: Nobody skates on Skateboard Island without a helmet.
"Are you kidding me? Do you know who I am? I'm Bam Margera! I was once featured in Stuff Magazine!" he said, making reference to the fact that once he had been written about in a famous men's magazine.
Things were heating up. "Nobody does that to Skateboard Mountain! This is where skateboarders go to grind and catch air 1000 feet above sea level!" shouted Wentzle Ruml IV, another famous skateboarder who happened to be in town for this momentous battle. Wentzle was a good person to have on your side when Bam was in one of his moods.
"Well let's just see about that, Ruml!" screamed Margera. All the sudden there were all these TV cameras and snakes pretty much everywhere. "I'm through with skateboarding! The scene is over! Punk music hasn't been good since the last Dandy Warhols album!" he said screamingly. And then he made his proclamation: "Tonight, I'm officially changing Skateboard Mountain to Snakeboard Mountain! And not even Stephen Colbert can stop me!"
Bam broke his 40oz bottle of beer by throwing it on the good earth that was formerly Skateboard Mountain. Then he started stepping on the glass, dancing to the first Dandy Warhols album, while video cameras taped him cutting up his feet in the broken glass. Lots of big moving trucks started rolling up the mountain, carrying large quantities of snakes that sort of looked like Bam Margera himself. It looked like the rumors were true: today Bam Margera was planning to shoot the next edition of Jackass—Jackass 3, Visit to Snakeboard Mountain.
"And so you know I mean business, just in case you didn't think I meant business the first time," said Bam. "I'm going to tie up your hero Wentzle Ruml IV. I'm going to tie him to his skateboard using these smaller snakes. Then I'm going to send him down the side of Snakeboard Mountain!" laughed Bam maniacally. You could tell he was debating whether or not he should tie up a few of his larger snakes to function as a launchbox to help Ruml catch some air.
"Nooooooooooooooooo!" shouted Ruml.
I jumped on my skateboard, did an ollie for good times sake, and rushed down the mountain with the rest of us. There was only one person who could stop the Big Bam Wolf, and he was nowhere to be found.
TO BE CONTINUED
I still have a lingering suspicion that the later fics were produced as some kind of weird sponsorship deal. This one is basically RPF about Bam Margera, with a whole lot of cringe-worthy skateboarding jargon and not a lot of funny.
Worst of all, Stephen only gets a couple of token mentions. The end of this part foreshadows some kind of Epic Skateboarding Showdown between Stephen and Mr. Margera; but, like "The Time Machine," it will never actually be continued.
Given this beginning, would you have wanted to keep reading? Or does the rating say it all?
Part 1: "Who's Afraid of the Big Bam Wolf (Margera)?"
By: Roger Rossier
Rating: A (arduous)
It was a totally sweet day on Skateboard Mountain. Everybody was landing tricks on their decks, and nobody was snitching. The wind in the air was crisp, such that when you caught some serious air doing even a beginner-level trick such as a Pop Shove-It, you could totally tell you were 1000 feet above sea level on Skateboard Mountain, and that there was totally a skateboard under your feet. It was fall, mountainous air—the kind that's cold enough to wear your Alien Workshop snowboarders hat, but warm enough to wear your Toy Machine shorts with the extra pockets.
"Hang ten!"
"Sweet!"
"I just ollied!"
These were all things you could hear on Skateboard Mountain that day. Earlier that morning, Stephen Colbert, King of Skateboard Mountain, had left on a promo tour for his new video game, Colboard Nation, an RPG thriller/mystery where players work together online raising funds to build replica Skateboard Mountains in their hometowns.
While watching Stephen Colbert fly away in a plane that was surely powered by the force of his skateboarding within, I landed a 50-50 grind on a perfectly waxed curb, followed by a disco flip, which I turned into a smith grind. You could hear the grinding from the metal of my Independent trucks sliding on a metal pipe that we members of Skateboard Mountain had bought with our own money from Home Depot. My SST bearings, which I made sure to grease prior to the grind, squeaked only to let me know they were still there. Today, before Stephen returned from his tour, I promised to myself, I would learn how to a 360 Heelflip, also known as the Lazer Flip.
I was in the middle of nollieing over a BMX bicycle when all the sudden somebody kicked my skateboard out from under my feet, and I fell right on my feet as opposed to landing on the tar-like griptape of my Hookups deck. When I looked back I couldn't believe my eyes: It was evil skateboarding sellout Bam Margera—THE BIG BAM WOLF! He had come to destroy Skateboard Mountain like he always does!
"I have come to destroy Skateboard Mountain like I always do!" shouted Bam Margera. His dull eyes had trouble focusing on one particular object at a time, which may have contributed to his decision to destroy the the scene as we all knew it. "I mean serious business!"
Bam Margera did not waste time proving his point. Like magic, a skateboard appeared in his hands. He jumped on, did an acid drop into a Salabanzi Flip, jumped over five trash cans in a row, smoked eight cigarettes in the middle of a triple ollie north, then landed with a cannonball grab while drinking a forty-ounce bottle of beer. He came back to me riding on one wheel.
"Smell me!" he said. His breath smelled very badly. "I dare you to smell me! I've started doing deodorant commercials!" I smelled his body, looking for clues for weak spots—any chinks in his armor. But there were none: It was as if he didn't even perspire.
"Strong enough for a Bam—Ph balanced for Margera!" Bam explained. Ari "The Terminator" Hock laughed loudly. He thought Bam was being funny. "It's not funny!" shouted Bam. He pronounced his "s" with a slight lisp, as if his tongue was doing a 360 Pop Shove-It over his incisor teeth. Suddenly we were all very scared.
"That's it! I'm sick of this!" screamed Bam. "I'm shutting down Skateboard Mountain! Everybody get back in your SUVs! This is my mountain now!"
"But you can't do that!" protested the crowd of skateboarders, including Rodney Mullen, inventor of the Flatland Ollie. Many of us at this point had taken off our helmets as a protest. The symbolic gesture would be clear to Bam: Nobody skates on Skateboard Island without a helmet.
"Are you kidding me? Do you know who I am? I'm Bam Margera! I was once featured in Stuff Magazine!" he said, making reference to the fact that once he had been written about in a famous men's magazine.
Things were heating up. "Nobody does that to Skateboard Mountain! This is where skateboarders go to grind and catch air 1000 feet above sea level!" shouted Wentzle Ruml IV, another famous skateboarder who happened to be in town for this momentous battle. Wentzle was a good person to have on your side when Bam was in one of his moods.
"Well let's just see about that, Ruml!" screamed Margera. All the sudden there were all these TV cameras and snakes pretty much everywhere. "I'm through with skateboarding! The scene is over! Punk music hasn't been good since the last Dandy Warhols album!" he said screamingly. And then he made his proclamation: "Tonight, I'm officially changing Skateboard Mountain to Snakeboard Mountain! And not even Stephen Colbert can stop me!"
Bam broke his 40oz bottle of beer by throwing it on the good earth that was formerly Skateboard Mountain. Then he started stepping on the glass, dancing to the first Dandy Warhols album, while video cameras taped him cutting up his feet in the broken glass. Lots of big moving trucks started rolling up the mountain, carrying large quantities of snakes that sort of looked like Bam Margera himself. It looked like the rumors were true: today Bam Margera was planning to shoot the next edition of Jackass—Jackass 3, Visit to Snakeboard Mountain.
"And so you know I mean business, just in case you didn't think I meant business the first time," said Bam. "I'm going to tie up your hero Wentzle Ruml IV. I'm going to tie him to his skateboard using these smaller snakes. Then I'm going to send him down the side of Snakeboard Mountain!" laughed Bam maniacally. You could tell he was debating whether or not he should tie up a few of his larger snakes to function as a launchbox to help Ruml catch some air.
"Nooooooooooooooooo!" shouted Ruml.
I jumped on my skateboard, did an ollie for good times sake, and rushed down the mountain with the rest of us. There was only one person who could stop the Big Bam Wolf, and he was nowhere to be found.
TO BE CONTINUED