"Fan" Fiction, 1/5: The Time Machine

[erinptah]

Once upon a time From its founding until late 2008, ColbertNation.com billed itself as "The #1 and #2 Colbert Report Fan Site." And, like any proper parody fan site, it contained parody fanfiction. Now that the site has dropped the pretense, the fic is gone too. But you can't let gems like these be lost to obscurity.

First up, a story featuring such a glorified self-insert (to which even Abraham Lincoln must bow!) that you can almost imagine character!Stephen writing it, except of course that he wouldn't misspell his own name . . .

The Time Machine, Part 1
By: Anonymous fan
Rating: Teen (mild language)

"I won't do it," said Abraham Lincoln. "America needs slaves."

"Well then that settles that," said Abraham Lincoln's secretary, tearing the Emancipation Proclamation into a hundred pieces. "You're the President."

Suddenly, there was a loud crash and the sound of thunder striking in the distance. Then a time machine appeared in the Oval Office! They didn't know it was a time machine, because it was the 1860s. But that's exactly what it was.

"What is that thing?!" screamed Abraham Lincoln.

"Call the Secret Service!" yelled his secretary.

The problem with calling the Secret Service was that in the 1860s, the Secret Service was stuck on horseback, so it was hard to get up the stairs inside the White House. Also, phones hadn't been invented yet!

A silver ramp descended from the time machine, like a graceful eagle. Then a handsome, well-dressed stranger walked down the ramp.

"Don't be afraid," said the handsome, well-dressed stranger. "I've come from the future to help America in its hour of greatest need."

Abraham Lincoln took off his stovepipe hat and wiped his head, which was completely bald.

"Who are you?"

"My name is Stephen Colbert, and you're about to make a terrible mistake."

"You mean freeing the slaves?" asked Abraham Lincoln.

"Don't worry, we took care of that," said the secretary, pointing at the floor, where the pieces of the Emancipation Proclamation were burning. He had set them on fire while Stephen and the President introduced themselves.

Stephen shook his head slowly. "Mr. President, with all due respect, you're the world's biggest idiot."

"But I'm the President of the United States!"

Stephen narrowed his eyes. "How about you quit being such a moron."

Abraham Lincoln hung his head. He knew when he was beat. The man from the future was too good.

Stephen looked around the room. "I look around this room and I see symbols of freedom. The bald eagle. The star-spangled banner. Another bald eagle." Bald eagles were so common in the 1860s that there were always a few flying around the White House.

"Gentlemen, this is a land where freedom was meant to reign supreme, where it should be considered a crime to treat humans as property. It is my personal belief that we should hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Stephen paused to let that sink in, when the secretary decided to open his stupid mouth again.

"Wait, that last part is just the Decl-"

But Steven cut him with a sharp glance at his time machine. "Who do you think really wrote the Declaration of Independence?"

It was a dramatic, emotional moment: the kind you never read about in the history books. Abraham Lincoln stood up and applauded. "Mr. Colbert, you've shown me the error of my ways. Secretary, I want you to write a new copy of the Emancipation Proclamation."

"But I don't remember all the words."

Silence descended on the room, like a bomb. Would freedom end in America before it even had the chance to start? Abraham Lincoln looked across the room to Stephen.

"That on the first day of January," intoned Stephen, "in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, all persons held as slaves within any State or designated part of a State, the people whereof shall then be in rebellion against the United States, shall be then, thenceforward, and forever free; and the Executive Government of the United States, including the military and naval authority thereof, will recognize and maintain the freedom of such persons, and will do no act or acts to repress such persons, or any of them, in any efforts they may make for their actual freedom."

"That's better than what we had before!" exclaimed the President.

"You bet it is," said Stephen Colbert.

"Wait!" whined the secretary, "When we free the slaves, it's going to touch off a period of bloody civil war, setting brother against brother and tearing our nation apart at the seams! How will our nation ever heal the breach, and again proudly call itself the United States?"

It was a somber moment, like a funeral. Once more, President Lincoln looked to Stephen for help.

Stephen re-opened the hatch of his marvelous machine, and turned to the secretary with a twinkle in his eye.

"You leave that to me."

End of Part 1